Bitch-Back! Funnier Than Fey & So Not Toothy

Thu., Oct. 2, 2008 9:02 AM PDT by

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, SNL Dana Edelson/NBC

Dear Ted:
Hilarious footage of Sarah Palin walking around with her crack showing as she turns around. And the music is just perfect for this new Palin surprise, don't you think? I think this video is much funnier than Tina Fey! Tina's going to have to work hard to surpass this. Looking for uninformed beauty contester to become president of USA, to late beauty queens we find her. Her name S.P.
—Visomio

Dear Crack Up:
You know Cindy McCain is wetting her million-dollar pants that she's in the long haul with such a "lady."

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Mario Lopez because of his toothy grin, dimples, fab shape, perfect abs, consistent seemingly gal-chasing ways, and hanging out with BFF so often but that easily jealous husband of BFF is never jealous of Mario. That's the biggest giveaway. Right, Ted?
—Markie from Cincinnati

Dear Access Denied:
Toothy isn't C-list, darling.

Dear Ted:
Does a celebrity PR person feed gossip mags/websites with things about their clients, then place the blame on the media for getting things wrong? Also, do celebrities secretly enjoy the paparazzi even when they pretend otherwise?
—Donna

Dear Behind the Scenes:
Bingo on both. PR peeps are so conniving like that. And if you're anything like Britney, the paps are literally in bed with you one day and out the next. Much like Paris Hilton here in H'wood.

Dear Ted:
WHO HIRED YOU BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE FIRED RIGHT ALONG WITH YOU! NOTICE THIS IS NOT A DEAR EMAIL I AM NOT A GAY PERSON BUT FOR YOU TO TALK SO MUCH TRASH ABOUT CLAY LEADS ME TO BELIEVE YOU ARE YOU GAY BA——-(SHER)
—MandyPandy

Dear Rhyme Time:
Lower your case, loser, it's très annoying.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for reminding us that exactly what went down between Tom and Nicky's divorce is still one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets. Have you been privy to the salacious details? If so, will you give us a tiny morsel or hint?
—Hungry for More

Dear Divorce Digger:
You're welcome. Yes. $$$.

Dear Ted:
Is Petered Metered from One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice Hugh Dancy?
—Lauren

Dear Peter's Pecker:
PM isn't British, but creative guess nonetheless.

Dear Ted:
I have never written you before, but I would just like to say how horrified (but glad to know) I am by your revelations on how Hillary folks want McCain to win now, so she can "win" in 2012. That line of thought is incomprehensible to me, especially with one, probably two, Supreme Court justice jobs up for appointment in the next four years. How can they possibly be so insanely small-minded?
—Suzanne R.T., Oakland, Calif.

Dear Politically Nasty:
Yeah, I'm just as stunned at the sitch as you are—but not really. I mean, HC stayed with a dude who cheated on her right, left and dry-cleaned center. Even though I love the broad, guileless she's not.

—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder

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