Week in Review: Balloon Bad Boys and a Melrose Massacre as New Moon Looms

Sat., Oct. 24, 2009 8:10 AM PDT by Natalie Finn

Kelly Osbourne, DWTS, Richard Heene, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, Melrose, Taylor Lautner, New Moon,

ABC/ADAM LARKEY; Patrick Ecclesine/The CW; AP Photo/David Zalubowski; Kimberley French/Summit Entertainment

The Gosselins finally shut up(ish) long enough for us to really enjoy the delicious randomness that was this past week in celebutainment and current gossip affairs.

Of course, it turns out when one reality-TV dad falls out of favor, there's another shmuck who's desperate to take his place...

1. Go fly a kite, sir: Balloon Boy's dad, Richard Heene, may be into natural disasters, but the stomach-churning drama his family has been sucked into is purely man-made. Turns out the volatile dude has been trying to make it big on TV for ages, long before he wife-swapped and concocted his possibly felonious scheme to make headlines. Mom knew about it, too. At this point, we're happy dad didn't actually place 6-year-old Falcon in that balloon and set it adrift.

2. Toothsome: New Moon is still almost a month away but it's possible we've already seen the whole movie, as inundated as we were with clips this past week teasing the Volturis, the titillating fangs vs. fur love triangle, the teen angst and all the other stuff that makes us feel the way we did when we first watched Angel walk away from the ruins of Sunnydale High on the third-season finale of Buffy...Meanwhile, Rob Pattinson can't sneeze without being certified "adorable" and all sorts of vultures are invading the Eclipse set in Canada...Twilight was also fairly successful at the Scream 2009 Awards...With all this inspiration, how can WWK not hold their own Vampire Wars?

3. Outstanding performance by a TV drama: Ashlee Simpson-Wentz claims she knew all along Melrose Place wouldn't be a permanent address, but fellow booted cast member Colin Egglesfield didn't...Michael may be one of the few who doesn't show up in Lost's final season...Our very own Joel McHale has become a pillar of his Community...Ousted Laurine didn't cook that great on Top Chef but she formed a spicy opinion...Kelly Osbourne is hanging in there after spraining her ankle on Dancing With the Stars...So You Think You Can Dance revealed the Top 20...And, finally, a Gossip Girl WTF.

Perkins, Sharma, PacificCoastNews.com

4. Baby talk: Amy Ryan's a first-time mama...Nicole Richie talks Sparrow...Bethenny Frankel admits to pregnancy...Elisabeth Hasselbeck's back from maternity leave...Khloé and Lamar have a mutually beneficial pre/postnuptial agreement, which one day will "hopefully" involve babies.

5. Oh, them again: Jon Gosselin's not doing Amazing Race, Survivor, Divorced Dads Club, Deadliest Catch, Man vs. Wild, Flipping Out, America's Next Top Model or any other reality show. He's focusing instead on his personal life and, one would think, putting all that money back in his and Kate's joint account. Kate, however, has time for a one-hour special. At least Octomom's got a crush on Jon.

6. Legalities: A mistrial was declared in the John Travolta extortion case after a local politico mucked things up, possibly thanks to juror misconduct...Justin Timberlake got a restraining order against a woman desperate to shack up with the star (not Jessica Biel)...The LiLo-Audrina burglars may have also struck Paris, Orlando and Rachel's houses...Kanye West will pull Red Cross duty and his rap sheet will be clean of shutterbug smackdowns...Lil Wayne cut a deal, but his involves jail time...U.S. authorities want Roman Polanski, bad...Someone bumped into a car in the Jackson kids' caravan and sped off...Former Smallville player Sam Jones was busted on drug charges...as was Big Brother 9 champ Adam Jasinski...Stephanie Pratt found a loophole in our "No Pratt" policy...The suspect charged in the death of Kandi Burruss' fiance is out on bail...The nasty Anna Nicole stuff continues.

Jason Mesnick, Molly Maloney, The Bachelor

ABC/MATT KLITSCHER

7. Spatial relations: Trent Reznor tied the knot...Jason Mesnick's do-over is working out...Rosie O'Donnell and wife are "working through their issues," which is never a good sign...T.R. Knight and his boyfriend split up...Newly single Avril Lavigne's got a roommate...

8. Feudal behavior: Miss California USA wants two boobs' worth of money back from Carrie Prejean...Britney settled a foot-rollover suit...Bronson Pinchot dropped names, made headlines...

9. Music matters: Chris Brown's got tour plans and a new single...as does Rihanna...Adam Lambert kissed a girl and he liked it...Britain's Got Talent got Susan Boyle pretty album cover!...The X-Factor almost got Whitney exposed...