Ask the Answer B!tch

Just curious. How come you guys on E! Online are kinda mean to Heidi and Spencer? Not that I am a big fan of them or The Hills.
—S.S.

Quiet, you. Kindness only encourages them. And once people realize that the sex-tape trauma they've engineered is kind of tired, they'll have nothing, and Heidi will have to auction her breast implants on eBay for peroxide money. Is that what you want? Is it? Is it? Now, to more of your burning questions.

How many bodyguards does a celebrity usually have with them?
—Clare, Las Vegas

One to two, on average, if they have them at all.

I love your column! How is it possible to watch people sing live on American Idol, but when a movie or TV show has singing in it, the actors must lip-synch to a prerecorded track of themselves? Why can't they just sing live for the camera?
—Molls, Samford

It's a matter of quality. "They want the best performance possible," sound engineer Steve Rarick tells this B!tch. "So producers get the actors in the studio and spend days going over and over it until they get it just right."

The whole purpose of American Idol is to see how well the wannabes do in front of a live audience. Not so much with, say, Sweeney Todd, which is all about, you know, art. And the worst meat pies in Lon-Don. Besides, Rarick points out, "producers aren't going to want to take the chance of having to film and film and film until an actor gets it right. That's much more expensive than studio time."

Do you think Mariah Carey married Nick Canon just as a publicity stunt or are they really in love. What is your take on it?
—Abe, Yuma, Ariz.

My take is that anyone who wears a designer, skintight bandage dress just to walk her dog probably doesn't know the difference between a wedding and a publicity stunt.

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