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To know where you're going with Madonna, Mr. Rodriguez, it's best to know where she has been, love-wise. With the Big M being the most recent Hollywood scheduled divorcée (officially, at least) we want to ensure we don't have another sad postsplit Jennifer Aniston sitch on our hands. So we can all educate ourselves, let's take a look at where M's gone wrong in her past 'ships and where it should've gone better.

To begin with, there were Dan Gilroy (X-BF, 1979-1980) and Steve Bray (X-BF, 1980-1982), both one-time members of the Breakfast Club. And then:

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What with some tabloids saying pro pretty boy and Desperate Housewives star Gale Harold is at death’s door, we got very, very concerned. As Gale is a very nice chap on top of being one of my faves, remember, in Queer As Folk.

Checked in with a supergood bud to Gale, and got the skinny: “He's going to be OK,” the amigo insisted about Harold, who spilled on his motorcycle in Hell-Ay. “They're keeping him in the ICU because of the head injury, but he's expected to make a full recovery,” assured the Harold bud.

Good to know that what G.H.’s publicist is saying is actually accurate, as you know how this column feels about statements from such ilk. We prefer the crowd that actually hangs with these people. Don’t you?

Heal fast, Gale!

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“I'm a little sad. But hopefully this will shake her up, and she'll do something amazing...instead of all this halfass s--t she does now. Yes, I'm allowed to criticize her.”

—Good Madonna bud regarding his pal, whom he absolutely worships, let the record state, and whom he thinks is clearly not in her best professional period. Not sure I agree, but I just adore that Madonna still lives to have equally outspoken buds surrounding her, how cool! How un-Hollywood!

©CAD/ Fame Pictures

Fashion Week is going down here in Hell-Ay, and let us tell ya it's nothin' like the glitzed biz that goes down in NY. For ince, the Lauren Conrad Collection was the show to get a ticky to last night, with lines circling the Mercedes-Benz Main Tent. Only here in the Hills, folks. Think Anna Wintour 'n' crew would even bat a fake eyelash if this took place in Manhattan? Wouldn't count on it.

We made the trek down to Culver City to see what the fuss was about, only to find a disorganized mess. The show was overbooked by 500 peeps, so you can imagine all the cranky fans and fake socialites tapping their Louboutin heels outside. Even Conrad's mom and pop were stuck among that madness, but were being rather good sports about the whole sitch. Her show was ovah in minutes, before we even finished a libation. Front-row seats went to "stars" like Holly Madison and Rev Run's daughters. Not exactly an A-list crowd, Laur.

Like the guest list, the buzz wasn't that fab either. "Same overpriced, plain clothes and same boring patterns," squawked many fashionistas.

We caught up with Jason Wahler, Conrad's bad-boy ex-BF. Since we blinked and missed the show, we asked Jas-hon, hand in hand with his fiancée, what he thought of his former designer honey's goods. "It was OK," he blabbed in a forced positive tone, "you know." Uh, yeah, we do.

Don't shed a tear for L.C., though. Her consolation prize last night? A forgiving reunion (which will last as long as her fashion shows) with frenemy Heidi Montag. With Audrina on the outs, guess you'll take friends where you can get 'em, huh, L?

—With additional sass by Taryn Ryder

Brian Zak/Sipa Press via AP images; Kevin Mazur/ Getty Images

"Everybody knew this," squealed one of Madonna's BFFs today, regarding the latest (yawn) news bulletin that Madonna and Guy are divorcing, just confirmed by her rep. Yeah, as readers of the A.T. knew ages ago, we've been going on for some time that this year (as we were told by our original Ciccone blabbers) her divorce would be announced.

So been there.

However, something you all don't know is that the delay wasn't entirely due to the fact that Her Madgesty's in the middle of a tour right now. "It was also the kids," blabbed the M camper, who insisted protecting the three kids Ms. M has with her hubby of nearly a decade was also a top priority. We almost believe it.

"But it's been off with Guy for a long time," he added. This we knew. Indeed, check out Truth, Lies & Ted this week, as I tell ya just how many times Madonna visited the set of Ritchie's latest flick, RocknRolla. (Hint: you can count her visits with the same number of fingers it takes Madonna to shoot the bird to nastyass old pals like Cynthia Rodriguez.)

"This is just not news at all, that they're not together," added the M know-it-all. And as to the continued scuttlebutt that Madonna's still seeing hunky baseballer A-Rod?

"Madonna sees exactly who she wants," snapped the M pal, slightly cryptically, slightly defensively.

Exactly. I know this game well. Message received, loud and clear. In other words, Mr. Rod, once M gets done with you, I wouldn't stick around as long as Guy did. Just a suggestion, nothing more.

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When something goes up (i.e., Britney's health, career and well-being), something else must come down, and in this case it's Christina Aguilera's sanity. Why else would C.A. wear such a hideous nightmare of an outfit while out in Londontown? Ag-hon showed up to the U.K.'s Africa Rising fest dressed in Lohan-esque leggings and a stretchy Day-Glo, kaleidoscopic turtleneck.

We've been staring at it in awe for so long we're going blind. The whole getup is unflattering, especially the way the top makes Chris' rack appear ginormous.

Doesn't she know geometric shapes are so not slimming? X-tina's fashion sense is def one thing that does not keep getting better, espesh since she rocked the retro look so well with her Back to Basics album. Be grateful you're talented, babe.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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After the lot of you so fervently tsk-tsk'd us for denying the supposed genius of the former cable-access and starlet-dating Tom Green, well, we just can't help keeping an extra eye out for any T.G. news to prove what a powerhouse he is in the H'wood scene.

Suffice to say, we only heard crickets. 'Til now, anyway.

Just caught wind of a casting notice from MTV, searching for "the next Tom Green" for a new series. So what does the role of someone like Mr. Green require? Says the notice, "someone who can drive 'insane' vehicles (trailers, boats, dump trucks, etc.) and be engaging and funny...must be quick-witted and able to think on their feet...edgy, personable and possess a slightly skewed sense of humor."

Hmmm. If Tom Green is oh-so relevant as hundreds of commenting hotheads declared (although most of those hell-raisers were sent by T.G. himself, we're told), why would the world need another one? The first one's still around, somewhere on the Internet, or so we're vehemently apprised. Maybe he should audition for the part?

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

FAME Pictures

I went to sleep last night watching L.A., north of my house, burn—it was harrowing. The country's finances seem to be fairly incinerated, as well. Pretty depressing times, even in shallow as hell Hell-Ay, I'll tell ya.

But great news!

Woke up to discover at the top of the city's fire coverage that Lauren Conrad's fashion samples were safe, I really didn't get a wink wondering, you know. What a relief. And then, for even more soothing headlines, there was Rachel Zoe, celeb stylist famous for eating on occasion, telling Celebuzz all about what a great "grounded" gal her employer Jennifer Garner is and how she's such a fabulous "supermom." Superbe-yotch, is more like it, as I and readers of the Awful Truth are well aware.

Garner's provoked, very meanly, my colleagues, without provocation, I assure you. Worried about that commission about as much as you are folks discovering your real age, darlin' Rach? Just a thought, nothing more, not really that concerned here, I have bigger charred fish to fry, trust.

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Reese Witherspoon, feeding the parking meter in Brentwood, all by her lonesome. Wither-babe, with an adorable li'l blond bob, wore a pink shirt and some black shades, standing outside a Starbucks—so 2007 Britney of her. Except not a single pap was in the place, must be why Reesie was all smiles instead of her glum self whenever Jake's by her side, thrilled to get a break from the PR parade. Seeking much more limelight elsewhere was...

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Dear Ted:
Whenever I hear anyone, especially a straight man, refer rudely to a woman as a the C-word, I always say "I thought you liked the C-word. I must thank you for calling me by a part of my body that gives me so much pleasure! If you truly want to insult me, call me a Limp Dick, since all you can do is pee from that." It has shut several people up, quickly. That aside, I just read the McCain article in Rolling Stone, and it is a must-read for anyone and everyone who might vote for him. This is a mean, nasty, egomaniacal, misogynistic bastard. And it is scary to read about the number of times he has berated and actually shoved women—you know, constituents. Taxpayers. People who pay for his health care. Appalling in a man, horrifying in a public servant.
—Robin

Dear Sock It To 'Em:
Wouldn't want to tangle with you, darlin'.

Dear Ted:
You might wanna stick your foot into that big mouth of yours. I, for one, understand that Jen Aniston dumped John Mayer. She's too sophisticated for him. Also, you might want to do more research before bashing Gerard Butler's intellect. Like Barack Obama, he was the prez of his law class. He was miserable as a law intern, so he got out. He's no slouch, and just 'cause they had dinner together doesn't mean they were dating. Get a life, Ted.
—Foxkt

Dear White Knight:
I can try and set you up with J.A. if you'd like, since she's about to run out of options.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for putting into words the way I feel about Angelina Jolie. Great verbiage. I'm frankly tired and weary of hearing what she and Brad Pitt are doing. Who cares! She's a sniveling, conniving, self-absorbed, attention-demanding piece of work. I feel sorry for her children; they will all need therapists by the time they're 12. As for Brad, I hope he enjoys the ride while he can. Because when Ms. AJ. finally tires of him, and she will, he'll know how all the others felt being dumped. Including his ex.
—Aaholborn

Dear A Holie:
Def don't swoop the upcoming issue of W. It's a pukefest of happiness in there with the overpopulated fam.

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NBC Photo: Chris Haston

Texan-born sasser and recent Heroes star Brea Grant—girl has the cutest hair, sort of a cool Pink-style spike job, a little Rihanna meets Brea...I call it the Breanna, gonna be huge, trust—just told me something interesting. We were chatting with sexy Hyla for the Yo on E! radio show.

So Brea, whose biggest deal prior has been a role in the flick Friday Night Lights, was nearly gasping about how much Heroes star Hayden Panettiere gets followed at work—and everywhere else, mind you—by paparazzi. "How are you going to deal with that?" I asked, inquiring about after she's been on the show a while longer, and the press is "all up in your ass like they love to get." Kanye, anyone?

"Well, I'm not going to punch anybody," the smart girl said. Why don't more celebs think so sensibly? Oh, and what about Sarah Palin; I had to add (you would have to, trust, had you been there) "Sarah says women who don't support her are evil"—I pretty much correctly paraphrased Palin incorrectly paraphrasing former secretary Madeleine Albright. Are you going to support Palin, I inquired?

"Sarah Palin is an idiot," Brea shot back, without a moment's hesitation. Love those bitchier broads!

AP Photo/Ron Lewis

“Oprah has the legal and PR edge here. [Headmistress Nomvuyo Mzamane] is going to the well twice—she took advantage of Winfrey’s name and money. And I think she betrayed Oprah on an issue that goes to Oprah’s core integrity."

—Jenny Durkan, criminal and civil litigator based in Washington, commenting on the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy’s headmistress and her complaint against O.W., a formidable foe at best, eh?